I visited my sister at Lugbe, Abuja, and met a crowd of women in front of her house shaking their heads and muttering. A man just beat his wife to death and ran away, abandoning her corpse and four children in the house. I listened to her neighbours narrating a litany of abuses she suffered all through the 10 years of the marriage. I asked why she remained in such an abusive marriage until it claimed her life.
One of the reasons given was the children. Then another said it was Abuja marriage, meaning the man didn’t pay her bride price, they met in Abuja, co-habited, and had children. Another woman said the dead woman was ashamed of going back to her people with children born out of wedlock.
There was this case of a very pretty young girl, 22 years, whose marriage was just a year old, with a five-month-old baby when she came to me. We talked and she pulled off her cloth to show me her body to make me understand her story better. There were belt marks and teeth marks all over her back inflicted by her husband. She told me stories of gory human ill-treatment, and it appeared her husband was a beast in a man’s clothing.
Why was she still in the marriage? “Aunt, what will people say,” she asked me. According to her, she wants to give the marriage a chance to know if the man will change.
Was her family aware? Yes, they said it would be a disgrace to them if she leaves the marriage so soon. They advised her to endure and try to be good and avoid anything that would provoke the man into hitting her again.
Did she report to her pastor? The pastor told her not to break her home, she should go on fasting and prayer.
She was physically, emotionally and sexually abused in the marriage. I told her to run for her life. She did that was after another year of enduring physical and emotional trauma.
There are stories everywhere of women who remained in abusive marriages and relationships until they are either killed or maimed for life. I remembered the man who poured hot oil on his wife’s face. Today the woman looked like a scarecrow, her family refused her to come back home, they insisted she would remain with the man as his wife.
Abuse is not gender-specific, some men are also victims of domestic abuse. There is the case of a police officer, Dan Shishia whose wife poured concentrated sulphuric acid on his face during an argument. Not only was the face distorted, but he also lost his sight completely too.
Also, recently in Bayelsa State, a 40-year-old civil servant smashed and killed his wife with a hammer and thereafter committed suicide leaving behind six children. Probably, after a prolonged marital crisis, he got fed up with managing, and enduring an unhappy marriage and decided to end it for both of them. If they had separated, it couldn’t have ended tragically.
I always ask why the victims endure or tolerate abuses from their partners, why they remain and not run for their lives? People tolerate abuses in relationships for many reasons— low self-esteem; for the sake of the children; or because of what people will say; the fear of starting afresh. Some tolerate it with the false hope there will be a miraculous change in the partner’s behaviour. And so, they remain in a psychologically and pathologically abusive relationship.
1. Erroneous Thoughts
Some victims believe, erroneously, that they are responsible for making their marriage work or keeping the family together. So they stayed because they believe that is the proper thing to do. Some practising religious people, given their religious or cultural background, believe divorce is bad and avoid it to the detriment of their happiness and even health. They put up with a lot of spousal abuse because they don’t want to go against the teachings of their faith.
2. Low Self-Esteem
Some victims stayed back due to low self-esteem. Most women can’t be on their own, they believe they will be alone forever if they leave so that keeps them grounded in toxic relationships. Some are damaged psychologically and believe most men are the same. To them the devil you know is better than the angel you don’t know. They would rather manage the one they have for it’s better to stay with the person they are used to.
Some may believe they don’t deserve any better than the beating they get on a semi-regular basis from their partner and accept the abuse as a normal way of life. This belief keeps them paralysed in the relationship.
3. Fear
The fear of starting all over, the fear of being alone, the fear of criticism from friends and family members combine to make most women remain in abusive relationships. Also, the shame of what people will say keeps them glued to the relationship. Most often, people are quick to blame the woman and cast inauspicious remarks on her for leaving her matrimonial home.
4. Playing the Martyr
At times, people stay in the hope of playing saviour to a dementia abusive partner. There is that belief that if they show their partner more love, more understanding, they could change them or fix them. Some tried to play the martyr by bringing up excuses to explain the abuse. They see themselves as being strong or on a God-sent mission to turn the abuser’s life for good.
Others resort to pity as an excuse to put their partner’s needs above their own and so hang onto the relationship.
5. Children
Some women sacrifice their safety for the sake of their children. Their concerns include – who takes custody of the children? How will they support the children without their partner’s financial help? Some, because they want their children to have the benefit of both parents and not suffer the trauma of a broken home. They believe their children will be better off coming from an intact home than from a divorced one.
6. Family Expectations
There is family and religious pressures too. In some cultures, leaving your marriage is seen as a disgraceful and reprehensible action. Some parents will tell their daughters to endure and that leaving will tarnish the family’s name and image.
7. Financial Constraints
Some abused people feel they cannot leave their relationships because they are economically dependent on their partners. For instance, an abused stay-at-home mother may feel she cannot leave her abusive relationship because she would have no way of providing for her children if she did. Also, the lack of resources to start afresh on their own is another drawback.
8. Hope for a Change
Many people stay in abusive relationships with the hope that the abuser will change over time. This hope for change gives rise to a cycle of violence or vicious cycle. Many abusive partners become remorseful after inflicting violence and promise they will change and the abused accepting the apology and forgive the abuser. But with time, it becomes a recurring act. This cycle makes breaking free from an abusive partner difficult. The abuse continues until the victim finds the courage to leave or is abused to death.
9. Clergymen and Pastors
This group of people usually focused on how to save the marriage at all costs, rather than on how to save the abused person in the relationship. They tell the person to pray more or fast more for the abuser for God to touch his/her heart and affect a change. They conclude it with a verse of scripture that says “God hates divorce”. Some organise counselling sessions for the abused but leaving the relationship is always not on the card.
The real fact is that tolerance of abuse in a relationship is either borne out of illusions or hallucinations. An adult can only change if the person so desires, not necessarily because of prayers or the other partner’s tolerance level or love. It is better to leave than to stay for whatever reasons, life matters.
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