A woman on my street died four days after giving birth. Before this happened, she complained of a severe headache, and by the time they rushed her to a hospital, she died.
When we gathered at her house for condolences, more stories of women who died in similar circumstances dominated the talk.
A doctor in the group attributed her death and many others like hers to High Blood Pressure (HBP). According to her, there is pregnancy-induced BP and also there’s after birth stress-induced BP which has become a killer of nursing mothers.
Prenatal and postnatal stress is life-threatening if not handled right. This is one reason the culture of omugwo holds sway in Igbo land and other cultures that see postnatal care as a necessity. A woman’s mother was expected to stay with her nursing daughter and help take care of her and the child until she recovered from the exhaustion and emotional trauma of pregnancy and childbirth.
But today, this custom is gradually phasing out, some don’t have their mother’s still alive. Sometimes, the money to bring the mother over is a deterrent. In addition, nowadays, some mothers are working-class women and couldn’t leave their jobs for long to attend to their daughter’s postnatal care.
Then what about husbands? How many husbands help their wives out in doing chores in the house during pregnancy and after delivery?
Some time ago, I visited a friend who had just given birth. I could see the stress all over her. She had two other children, boys the ages of 4 and 2 years, and her two-week-old newborn baby girl.
I was still with her when her husband came home from work. My friend left everything she was doing to serve him food. After eating, he sprawled in front of the television to relax. Meanwhile, his wife, who needed the rest most, was running around controlling her hyperactive boys with the baby in her hand.
I engaged the man in a discussion and asked how he helps his wife to cope with the stress of taking care of the children. He told me he comes back tired and besides; the maid was there to assist her. I told him he ought to assist his wife too. He flared up and said it was women like me who put negative ideas into the heads of other women and make them misbehave in their homes.
He said his mother gave birth to nine children, and she took care of them without disturbing their father or complaining to anyone. And his wife had just three. She should be able to take care of them without disturbing his peace. He works to make sure he takes care of them financially.
How some men reasoned. His mother was slaved to raise nine children and he wants his wife to do the same. Life is more stressful these days than then. His wife nurses a child throughout the night with little or no sleep. By 5 am she is up; 5 days a week, she makes breakfast and gets the children ready for the school bus that comes around 6 am to pick them up.
She is your wife, for God’s sake! Both of you made these children together. The responsibility of taking care of them rests on the two of you. That you view her as a housewife doesn’t mean her job is less tedious. That she takes leave to nurse the child doesn’t mean she is resting in the house. I don’t know of a job more tedious and demanding than taking care of children and nursing a baby. That’s an enormous job, enough to deplete her strength. They demand a 24 hour alertness. Your wife does this alone, and you don’t expect her to break down at any point?
How to Support Your Pregnant or Nursing Wife
Your wife is pregnant, and your duty as the husband is to provide support and prepare yourself for fatherhood if you’re new to parenting. This support comes in three ways: emotional, mental, and physical support.
Emotional Support
Those things you’ve heard about the swinging moods of a pregnant woman are facts. She is dealing with hormonal changes in her body, which cause her emotional roller coaster.
As her husband, you have to deal with these moods by providing her with emotional support. She needs more of your care, love, and attention during this period. A smile and a few words of endearment will go a long way to boost her mood. Have patience, and display patience, whenever possible.
No matter how busy you are, make time to be part of your wife’s prenatal routine. Follow her to doctor or midwife appointments as often as you can to get first-hand information about her health and the progress of the baby.
After she has given birth, helping her and being willing to run all errands during the early days and weeks of the baby’s life as she tries to adjust to the rhythms of the newborn and motherhood goes a long way to give her emotional support.
Mental Support
Mental support means stepping in and taking on some of her responsibilities that involve planning. Especially those things that are mentally tasking. If there are older children, help to supervise their homework and their meals. Also, help with the shopping for baby items, even if you don’t go with her, give your suggestions on what you feel the baby will need and choice of toys and colour of wear for the baby. Don’t let her do all the thinking and planning alone.
Another aspect of mental support is to allay her fear, with words, positive words, compliments, gifts and being there for her when she needs you to be around. No matter how many times a woman has given birth, there is always that fear of the unknown lurking in her head, which is draining and, at times, affects her thought process. It is not the time to complain about her look or attitude around the home, or negligence in carrying out some chores in the house. And for God’s sake, tell her she looks beautiful and is doing amazingly well.
Things she could no longer easily do, as staying up to care for a new baby is exhausting.
Physical Support
As your wife progresses in her pregnancy, ordinary life gets more difficult for her. It is not easy to carry a 15 to 30-pound weight around all the time. It is exhausting and impedes doing simple tasks like putting on her shoes, wearing her favourite clothes or sitting comfortably on the couch.
This means you do more and more of the physical work around the house. Like the laundry, the dishes, and the heavy lifting of things for her around the house. Even if there’s a maid or relatives in the house, as her husband, you still need to make her feel your support.
A pregnant woman needs to feel she is not alone in this life-changing event. You’re supporting your wife gives her the feeling of being loved and cared for. Since she’s doing all the actual work, the least you can do is to be there for her and share in the burden the pregnancy forced on her. And don’t act like you’re doing your wife a favour by helping her. Nope! Raising a child is a shared responsibility. That’s what parenting is all about.
Even if the birthing experience was smooth and the child and mother are healthy and doing great, don’t presume she is okay. Her body needs to heal. She went through a life-changing experience and the pressures of adjusting to life with an infant, coupled with a lack of sleep, can take a real toll on her stress level and moods as well. She feels vulnerable. Your help and words will boost her confidence and help her through the exhausting days and nights of nursing the baby.
Also, being housebound with the new baby all day long and tending to the constant needs of the baby and probably the other older children are enough to drive a woman into depression. When you’re home, try to spend time with her gist, talk and make her laugh. Make yourself useful in any way you can to put a smile on her face.
The birth and the responsibility of taking care of the baby with an inconsiderable amount of sleep tires her out easily, so give her some grace. As much as you can, take care of the child/children and allow her to catch some sleep.
Help manage visitors. If she is taking a well-deserved nap, don’t wake her to attend to visitors. Be watchful and know when to tell your visitors she needs to rest. Inadequate sleep is one cause of postnatal depression, which affects the mental health of the woman.
And if she is tired, then it’s not a great day for visitors, let her have a rest. Actively offer to make her life easier. Support her, help her, it’s teamwork.
Even if her mother/your mother is around for the postnatal care, you have to still do your bite as her husband. Remember, the better you look after her, the better she feels loved and cherished. The happier she feels, the less will be her emotional, mental, and physical stress levels.
Most companies are now granting paternity leave to men for them to assist their nursing wives at home. Use that time to help your wife with some chores at home and give her a break. Don’t use it to go clubbing or bar-hopping with your friends.
And women, stop trying to play the superwoman and super mom. It’s your life that’s at stake. When it’s too much, take a breath and rest. If it means the children wouldn’t go to school for a week, fine. If it means your husband would have to fend for himself for some time, so be it. You’re afraid if you don’t take care of him, he will stray to another woman? Well, if you die trying to play the dutiful wife, another woman will take over your position and your children. Your struggles end in vain.
